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  “Fuck…oh fuck,” she gasped and started rocking her hips slightly, encouraging him to move a little faster as he teased her. “Oh yes, fuck yes!”

  “Yeah, baby,” he groaned against her neck as he fought his own arousal. Every time she shifted her hips, she rubbed the small of her back against him, and the friction felt incredible.

  “Oh God. Oh yes, fuck yes!”

  He felt her shudder and shake in his arms a moment before she screamed out to him, nearly falling in his arms as he adjusted his grip to catch her.

  He held her against his body as she continued to shake and writhe, and he steeled himself against his own arousal. He was so ready for her he was close to exploding.

  With a grunt he scooped her up in his arms and carried her over to the bed. He carefully laid her down and draped his body over hers. He reached over and pulled the drawer of his bedside table open and dug around until he found the box of condoms he’d stashed in there. He pulled one out and tossed it on the bed beside her. He wasn’t quite ready for it to be over, not yet.

  He kissed her again, putting everything he had into the kiss as he ran his hands over her body. Her legs shifted to encircle his waist and her arms wrapped around him, pulling him down on her body as she kissed him back.

  One thing he’d never admitted to anyone was how much he loved kissing. To him it was the foreplay before the foreplay, and getting lost in a deep kiss with someone could be just as satisfying as sex. He didn’t indulge in it a lot; it was too emotional. He could have sex without kissing, he could kiss without sex, but for deep kissing he let his emotions out and he gave himself over to his partner and what they were sharing.

  He wanted to experience that with her. He wanted to take that memory with him after they parted, and he wanted to be able to remember how it felt with her.

  He felt her sigh against his lips, heard her moan softly, and he just kept kissing her. The emotions and feelings swirling around inside him were almost overwhelming. When he did lift his head to look down at her he could see she was just as affected.

  Her lips were swollen and pink, her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes were slightly glassy.

  “Put the condom on me,” he said softly as he looked down at her, pushing off her and holding his body over hers so she could reach between them.

  She grabbed the condom and ripped it open. He steeled himself as she rolled it over him and when it was rolled down to the base of his erection, he shifted away from her hands. He was on such a hair trigger at the moment he didn’t want to risk her touching him.

  He planted his arms on either side of her as he moved to line himself up with her opening. He didn’t kiss her, but kept his eyes locked on hers as she put her hands on his arms. He wanted to watch her as he entered her.

  She was so wet and ready for him, and she felt heavenly as he slipped inside her body. When he was all the way in he paused, memorizing her expression, before he started to move

  He didn’t go hard, but he couldn’t be completely gentle. He wanted to take his time with her, to build slowly as he gave her an orgasm first, but she felt so good around him he could feel his need doubling even as he tried to slow down.

  “Yes, yes!” she gasped as she looked up at him, her eyes shining as her face flushed. “Oh Clay.”

  At the sound of his name he nearly lost it. All thoughts of going slow flew out of his mind, and he pressed his forehead against hers as he started thrust inside her fast and hard. He heard her gasping and crying out. His lower body started to cramp, and he felt that familiar pressure deep in his abdomen. He felt her shaking beneath him, but it was as she was starting to contract around him that he realized he was going to finish first.

  He steeled himself against his orgasm, desperately trying to last only a minute longer. When he felt her walls grip him and pull him even deeper inside her, he was lost.

  “Oh…fuck, Jenna!” He gave into his orgasm as he nearly collapsed on her. He made sure to catch the bulk of his weight on his arms so he didn’t crush her, but as he felt his energy drain away, he smiled against the side of her neck.

  That had been as close to perfect as it could be. It was the perfect way to say goodbye, and the perfect way to remember her.

  It was a long time before he was able to roll off her, and when he did he lay back on his bed and pulled her up against him. He needed to feel her body for just a moment longer. After what they’d just shared he needed to cuddle her.

  He had no idea what she was thinking or feeling. He knew she’d enjoyed the sex, but he had no clue if she’d felt anything beyond pleasure.

  He couldn’t ask because he was afraid of the answer.

  She hadn’t promised him anything. Just because he was feeling and thinking about things didn’t mean they’d even occurred to her.

  He wanted this moment of quiet cuddling to seal in the intimacy of the entire night. He wanted to remember how she felt against him at this moment, not just when their bodies had been coupled together.

  “Clay?”

  “What? Sorry.” He shook his head as he looked down at her. She was staring up at him with a questioning look in her eyes.

  “You got stiff all of a sudden. Are you okay?”

  “Fine, just tired,” he lied.

  “Oh yeah. I guess it is really late.” She rested her chin on his chest, and he wished she would never have to move.

  “It has to be at least three.” He glanced around. His phone was in his pants, and they were on the other side of the room.

  “Probably after,” she agreed.

  “When are you heading back?” he asked, trying to keep his voice casual.

  “I was planning on leaving at lunch. I have a bunch of stuff I need to do before work tomorrow.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah. Reports and some other work things I put off because of the wedding. I have at least five hours of paperwork to do before I can even think about going to bed.” She grinned.

  “The life of an office worker.” He smiled at her, even as he felt his heart sink. She wasn’t even thinking about seeing him again. She was going to leave, and she was thinking about her paperwork. It hurt, but at least he had an answer now.

  “You’re lucky you don’t have to deal with that stuff.” She grinned. “Although I imagine your job is a lot harder than mine.”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t have to go to school for four years like you did.”

  “You have a trade, that takes more than just a few years of school,” she pointed out. “You had to do your apprenticeship and get your certification. All I had to do was go to class.”

  “I think we can agree that things are different. We live different lives.” He managed to keep his voice light, even though his words were loaded.

  “Yeah, I guess we do.” She leaned against his chest and started tracing an idle pattern on his skin with her fingers.

  He sucked in his breath and tried to ignore the tingle spreading through his body, radiating out from her simple touch.

  “It’s crazy to think about how different our lives are now, especially from a few years ago,” she said thoughtfully.

  “We’ve changed. We’re both searching for what we want.”

  She looked up at him, and he saw something flicker in her eyes.

  “We’re different people now, and we seem to need different things.”

  “Why do I feel like you’re talking about this, us, and not just in general?” she asked as she stared up at him.

  “Kind of both, if you think about it.” He gave her a one-armed shrug so he didn’t jostle her about. “We’re both trying to find our place. You have your life in the city; I have my life here. It’s not like it was when we were just starting out.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she said slowly as she pulled her hand away from his chest and started to sit up.

  “Jenna?” he asked as he propped himself up on his elbows. He’d hoped they could cu
ddle a bit longer as he found a way to ask her to leave that didn’t make him seem like a complete asshole. It looked as though she’d made that decision for him, again.

  “I should go. I really need to make sure I get up and get everything done before I head back.”

  “Sure, yeah.” He nodded and watched her slide out of bed.

  “It was really great to see you again,” she said as she pulled some clothes out of her duffle bag. “I had a lot of fun.”

  “Me too,” he said honestly. “I’m glad you messaged me.”

  “Same.” She pulled on a sports bra and an athletic tank top before stepping into a pair of yoga pants. “Maybe we won’t go four years without speaking next time.” She laughed as she slipped on a pair of ballet flats

  “Yeah, maybe.” He didn’t know what she was saying. Was she saying before the next time she called to hook up, or the next time they happened to see each other?

  “Well, thanks again for being my date.” She carefully folded her dress and put it in the bag before tossing in her strapless bra and then very carefully put her shoes into some sort of little drawstring bags before putting them in the duffle.

  “What was that?”

  “What was what?” She looked up at him

  “You put your shoes in bags before putting them in a bag.” He grinned. “Why?”

  “These aren’t just shoes.” She shook her head. “They were Ellie’s bridesmaid gifts. They’re Manolo Blahniks.”

  “And that’s supposed to mean something to me?” He had no idea what she’d just said or what language it was. “Is that a thing, or a person?”

  “Let’s just say these shoes are worth more than every pair of shoes I own combined.” She grinned as she stood and shouldered her bag. “Hence treating them with kid gloves.”

  He laughed and sat up. “Chicks and their shoes.”

  “Guys and their toys.” She grinned and came over to the side of the bed. “We all have a thing.”

  “That we do.” He smiled as she kissed him and nodded when she gave him a small wave. “Take care of yourself, Clay.”

  “You too, Jen.” He felt as though his heart was pounding in his body as he watched her. He felt his adrenaline rise and did his best took look neutral and happy. “It really was great seeing you again.”

  “Same. Don’t be an Internet stranger.” She grinned, but for a brief second he thought he saw something else in her gaze, something sad.

  “Same with you.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you later.”

  He watched as she left his room and flopped back on his bed.

  It was confirmed. He was nothing more than a fuck friend to her. He was the hometown backup. She hadn’t wanted to stay. She hadn’t even thought about keeping something going. She’d had her fun with him, and she was done.

  He didn’t know why he was letting it hurt so much. It was exactly what she’d promised it would be. She’d said they would reconnect as friends and see what happened. They’d reconnected as friends and had hooked up, twice. It wasn’t her fault he’d turned their last time into something emotional. The same as it wasn’t her fault she didn’t feel for him what he felt for her.

  He was exhausted, but his head was so busy he doubted he would get to sleep any time soon. He still had to process what had happened between them. What he’d felt and what he’d done when he made love to her instead of having sex with her. He had to figure out a way to let her go and move on.

  He swung his legs out bed and stood. He had to clean himself off, might as well do it now before things got too dry down there.

  Chapter 16

  Reality

  AS Jenna waited outside Clay’s building for her cab she tried to keep her emotions at bay. She didn’t understand the change in him, or the change in her.

  They’d had a great time at the wedding. He’d seemed to have fun with her. She thought he’d enjoyed the party, and as far as she knew he’d enjoyed their moment in the bathroom as much as she had.

  Then they’d come back to his place and they’d had sex, exactly what she’d expected and hoped for. It had been incredible. He’d been so loving and so tender with her. He’d really put the effort in to make it as good for her as possible, and she’d felt cherished.

  She’d expected him to fuck her. She’d expected the sex to be hard and maybe even a little dirty. The thought that he might have tossed her around a bit, been even more dominant this time, had been in the back of her mind the whole drive over. She’d anticipated getting to his room, ripping off their clothes, and falling into bed together.

  He hadn’t done that. He’d taken his time with her. He’d given her incredible pleasure, but it was the way he’d touched her, the way he’d looked at her, that had seemed different.

  There had been something in his eyes that had made her think he was feeling something more than just arousal. His hands had been so gentle, and then there had been his kiss.

  She’d never kissed anyone the way he’d kissed her. It had been so deep and passionate. She’d felt a connection to him, and it had felt as though there was more going on than just foreplay.

  That kiss had opened up all of the emotions she’d been pushing down since she’d gone with him to pick up his suit. She’d tried to deny it and she’d tried to hide it, but she felt a connection to him that went far beyond being past lovers.

  Seeing him smile made her smile. His laugh made her happy, and every time he touched her she felt a tingle on her skin and a flutter in her chest. If she were an eighteen-year-old virgin again and feeling all of this with him she would just chalk it up to a crazy crush, but at twenty-six with experience, it felt like more.

  He was a great guy, and she was inherently comfortable around him. Even with everything in their past she felt she could open up to him and really let him in. She wanted him to know the real her, and she wanted to truly know him.

  She’d had boyfriends and partners before, but there had always been something missing. She’d liked them. She’d really liked a few of them, but she hadn’t really loved them. She’d always assumed the all-consuming love she read about in books or saw in movies was fake. Even when people she knew would gush about their partners and talk about how much they loved them and how they felt as though they’d found their other half, she’d thought it was just a strong infatuation.

  Then she’d seen the way Dan had looked at Ellie as she’d walked down the aisle toward him, and the way he’d spent the entire night looking at her after she’d told him about the baby. His love for her was almost palpable, and Ellie had had the exact same look in her eyes.

  That was the love she’d never felt and had tried to convince herself didn’t exist. She’d never seen that look on her partner’s face, and she’d never looked at anyone that way.

  She didn’t love Clay. She didn’t know him well enough, but a part of her had thought that maybe it could have been the beginning of something. If him holding her hand and smiling at her could make her heart flutter and her skin tingle, it had to be a sign there might be more there. Didn’t it?

  It didn’t matter now. As she’d been cuddling with him, thinking about how they could maybe make things work and see if there really was something there, he’d been thinking about how different they were and how they lived different lives.

  He liked her. She knew he was attracted to her, but that was as far as it went with him.

  She blinked back her tears and shook her head.

  It wasn’t his fault she was so messed up right now. He’d been exactly what she’d asked him to be. She’d asked him to be her date and had told him she was open to sex. He’d been her date, and they’d had sex, twice.

  He hadn’t offered anything more and she hadn’t asked. Just because she’d read into something that wasn’t there and had thought about what could have been, didn’t mean he’d even considered any of it.

  She might have been able to fall in love with him, but it didn’t m
atter now. He’d made his stance clear as day, and she couldn’t fault him for it.

  She shook her head as she saw a cab pull up to the building. When she’d called for the cab it had been almost three-thirty. She pulled out her phone and glanced at the time as she waited for the cab to park. It was nearly four in the morning. She really needed to sleep before she headed home, but her mind was going a mile a minute. She didn’t think she would be ever be able to fall asleep.

  She stuck her phone back in her bag and climbed into the car. She gave the driver her parents’ address and leaned back in the seat as she looked at Clay’s building one last time.

  This was it. They’d had their last night together, and now they would be nothing more than Internet acquaintances. As the cab pulled away she just sighed and turned her face to look out the opposite window.

  It was for the best. If she spent any more time with him she would fall for him. In her mind the only thing worse than never feeling love would be to love someone who didn’t love her back.

  * * * *

  “Jenna?”

  “What?” She jumped as her mother’s voice broke through her thoughts.

  “Sweetie, are you okay?”

  She glanced over at her mom and forced herself to smile. “Of course, why?”

  “You look exhausted. We didn’t hear you come in last night.”

  “I was really quiet.”

  “Did you sleep well? Should you drive home if you’re this tired?”

  “One more of these and I’ll be fine.” She held up the coffee cup in her hand and faked another smile. “I slept, just not all that well.”

  That was at least true. She’d fallen asleep sometime after six a.m. She knew because that was the last time she remembered seeing on the clock. The other half of the story was she’d woken up just after nine, and she hadn’t been able to get back to sleep. It was now noon. She was on her fourth cup of coffee and still felt terrible.

  She was physically and emotionally exhausted. She felt empty, and she knew the lack of sleep was only a part of it.